Piggie Face got Slap Chopped (and we're all laughing)

Oh boy, has it been a while. The fact that I haven't posted is only because Piggie Face has become too much of a redundant bore to even warrant discussing. However, a recent event has compelled me to return with a few words of wisdom.

As most of you who follow the 'bloids (that's tabloids, to the uninitiated) know, Piggie Face Hilton got a beat down from someone in the black eyed peas crew. At last!

I quietly chuckled to myself when I heard the news, because DUH! who didn't see this one coming. As any pussy would do, Piggie didn't fight back and instead cowered and ran away like a little girl.

It's interesting to observe how the media has been responding to this. No one and I mean NO ONE seems to have any sympathy for Piggsie Pig. He has alienated anyone and everyone that had previously been on his side, including GLAAD. As an openly gay man, you have to be one serious fuck-up to actually upset GLAAD. Because if it wasn't for organizations like GLAAD, Piggie face would still be in the closet, that I guarantee.

It's time that this little schmuck finally got properly bullied. I'm sure it's all giving him vivid flashbacks to High School, where he definitely sat on the short bus.

Here's an awesome pic of Piggie face cowering from his blows like a little bitch. Viva La Revenge!

Unknown Pig-Face

The laugh riot that is Pig-face continues, as he becomes the world's most popular unidentified nobody.

Behold the curse of the "unknown guest" -- stand too close to him and his nobodyness will rub off on you!

Pig-face, the loud and so 1999 bright pink hair will not make it any easier for wireimage to recognize you and i.d. you. Besides, we heard it smells, like the rest of you (more on that topic later).

UNKNOWN GUEST, Pt. 2

Who's that chunky Pig-face in the pics? We don't know, we'll never know! Wireimage won't reveal the identity of this nobody. Does Pig-face know, when he's mugging for the Wireimage cameras at Sundance, that he will be credited as an "unknown" -- just a face in the crowd, "some dude"? I bet he don't. He thinks he's special. Nuh-uh! Not you, Pig-face. You're just a pathetic blogger who got infamy for calling celebrities nasty names and revealing "breaking news." All the information on your website is hearsay, just like all other blogs, until it's officially confirmed on People.com. You are just a rumour spreader, Pig-face!

Pig-face: Wireimage.com's "Unknown Guest" of the Century!

Hey gang,

This is just too funny! Wireimage.com -- perhaps the biggest, most established celebrity online photo agency -- obviously does not like Pig-face. So much so that in every single picture that he has appeared in for the past year or so, he is always captioned as "unknown guest." You just have to laugh at the sheer embarassment. Just go on wireimage, folks, and type "unknown guest" in the search bar. Guess who's the ONLY person that comes in the search -- that's right our much behated Pig-face!

And what an apt caption for him -- once a nobody, always a nobody, no matter how hard he tries.

Above is just a selection of images from wire of our favorite "unknown guest" -- he's on 2 pages of photos, and in EVERY SINGLE ONE, without exception, he is not credited with a name. Just a nameless, sad, little loser Pig-face, trying to blend in with the famous people he envies so relentlessly.

How to draw a Pig-face

Galleryoftheabsurd.com — an always hilarious site to navigate, thanks to its very talented artist/owner—has posted this awesome image of icky Piggy-face. It's becoming very evident to me that all the intelligent, genuinely talented people of the blogging world, including readers and creators, feel the same way about Pig-face as I do.

*By the way, someone has noted that my reference to piggies in Pig-face's nickname is an insult to the animal -- and while I love piggies and think they are wonderful, cute creatures, the fact remains that a pig's face looks attractive only on a pig, not a human. Pig-face here, unfortunately for him (fortunately for us), has been cursed with a fat, pink face eerily resembling a pig's. And there's nothing "cute" about that.

The Celebrity Food Chain and Pig-Face

The world of celebrity gossip—and blogging, in particular—reminds me
of the food chain that our universe is governed by. Everyone has their
place: from the top-feeding celebs to the slimy little bottom feeders like
Pig-face here.

At the very top is the HUMAN MAMMAL—or the mighty celebrities that
Pig-face likes to mock yet secretly envies, such as LindsayLo and Fergie.

Right below them, is the ubiquitous "rep," such as Eliott Mintz (Paris Hilton's
shadow) who serves as the main link from the outside world to the inside world
of the celebrity. Below him are legitimate celebrity magazine, such as People, who
buy their photos from the next group on the food chain, photo agencies like TMZ
and Splash. Their teams of "paps" stalk celebrities under the excuse of "it's their job."

Finally, on the very bottom of the celebrity ocean, in a dark layer of life where few
creatures dare to dwell, sits Pig-face. Quick, the big fish are swarming around you,
Pig-face! Hide under that algae leaf or ocean brine.

The awesome illustration at the top provided by my trusty art director, PablaPicassa

Back to Pig-face business

Well, folks, don't think I forgot about Pig-face. In fact, I've got something real special cookin' up that is sure to put a smile on your Pig-face hating faces. The truth is, unlike Pig-face, I have non-blogging life and career related matters to tend to that simply take precedent. For Pig-face, as we all know, no such precedents exist: his sordid life revolves around stealing photos, reporting old news that's already been done in People and TMZ, being confused about his identity, staying busy outing gay celebrities in hopes that it might elevate his own self-hating, mixed-up self-esteem...and so forth.

And to those Pig-face lovers who keep peeking over here and declaring their undying love of the Ovaweight Lova, I can only say: My sympathies, truly.