The Celebrity Food Chain and Pig-Face

The world of celebrity gossip—and blogging, in particular—reminds me
of the food chain that our universe is governed by. Everyone has their
place: from the top-feeding celebs to the slimy little bottom feeders like
Pig-face here.

At the very top is the HUMAN MAMMAL—or the mighty celebrities that
Pig-face likes to mock yet secretly envies, such as LindsayLo and Fergie.

Right below them, is the ubiquitous "rep," such as Eliott Mintz (Paris Hilton's
shadow) who serves as the main link from the outside world to the inside world
of the celebrity. Below him are legitimate celebrity magazine, such as People, who
buy their photos from the next group on the food chain, photo agencies like TMZ
and Splash. Their teams of "paps" stalk celebrities under the excuse of "it's their job."

Finally, on the very bottom of the celebrity ocean, in a dark layer of life where few
creatures dare to dwell, sits Pig-face. Quick, the big fish are swarming around you,
Pig-face! Hide under that algae leaf or ocean brine.

The awesome illustration at the top provided by my trusty art director, PablaPicassa

Back to Pig-face business

Well, folks, don't think I forgot about Pig-face. In fact, I've got something real special cookin' up that is sure to put a smile on your Pig-face hating faces. The truth is, unlike Pig-face, I have non-blogging life and career related matters to tend to that simply take precedent. For Pig-face, as we all know, no such precedents exist: his sordid life revolves around stealing photos, reporting old news that's already been done in People and TMZ, being confused about his identity, staying busy outing gay celebrities in hopes that it might elevate his own self-hating, mixed-up self-esteem...and so forth.

And to those Pig-face lovers who keep peeking over here and declaring their undying love of the Ovaweight Lova, I can only say: My sympathies, truly.